Heidi's Pensieve

Welcome to my pensieve, certainly not as world-saving as Dumbledore's, definitely not as tortured as Snape's. Just some thoughts swirling around me head that I like to withdraw and leave here to moil around.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Being Friends With Your Ex

A friend of mine, Eddie is on the best terms with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Or vice versa. I should write the above sentence this way: Nicole is on the best terms with her ex-boyfriend Eddie. They are very good friends despite breaking up, seeing other people and eventually marrying other people. They are such friends that when one or the other has a problem or is in trouble, they look to each other for help.

I am amazed and full of admiration (and not a little envy) at how two people could continue to be close friends after breaking up. My admiration stems from
1. they must have broken up in a very gentleman-like way. Civilized, no acrimony, no recriminations.
2. they themselves must be pretty matured in their outlook to be civilized about the breakup, yet, still have the basic decency to care for the other as a true friend might.

My husband may not have such a friendly relationship with his ex-girlfriends as Eddie and Nicole, neverthless, he could meet any of his ex-es in a pretty friendly way. He could cheek-kiss them, hug them, enquire solicituously after their welfare (and not be given the cold shoulder).

I am filled with envy because I don't have that relationship with any of my ex-es. I'd rather not meet them and if I do accidentally bump into them, it's awkwardness all around. I am filled with anxiety about this seeming deficiency in myself:
1. Did I break up badly with them? Damn, the answer is Yes.
2. Am I not matured enough or do I not have enough decency to care what has become of them in their lives apart from me? The answer?




No comments.

I am reminded of a quarrel I had with one of my ex-boyfriends (when he wasn't an ex, of course.) We had been invited to a wedding party, he turned it down when he found out his ex-girlfriend would be there. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to hurt her by showing himself with another woman. I couldn't understand that line of reasoning, I still don't today, 24 years later. He then accused me of cruel intentions, that I wanted to thumb my nose over her loss.

Therefore, with this particular ex of mine, I think I'm quite justified in not wanting to meet again...so as not to be cruel to him!


  1. Sometimes the past is best left in the past, but I think it all depends on specific relationships. I see my ex-wife as little as possible (a win-win for both of us), but other exes I could easily remain friends with. Too many variables, I suppose.

  2. MY WIFE has never met my ex, but I do believe she talks more disparagingly of my ex than I do. This is one of the many reasons why I love her!

  3. I'm also in awe of people who can remain friends with their ex's. Personally, I would rather gargle rat's piss.

  4. Some people can do it and some people cant..... the people who cant are called "the dumpees"

  5. You don't usually go this long without posting (you're very prolific!) Hope all is well.

    Merry Christmas!

  6. How are you? Just dropping by to ask. Hope you are OK!

  7. I find the "secret casual sex" is the best part of being friends with your ex... but shhhh! Nobody knows!

  8. http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/2012/04/goodbye-dolly-ann.html

    You were very kind to her, and I thank you most sincerely.

  9. I dont know what your problem is...

    I find it easy to remain "close" with my exes..
    Thats why I just never untie them!!!

  10. Rest in peace Heidi Oliver tan or HOT take...miss u....;( - NICOLE

  11. Even though it happened a while back, I just heard about Heidi passing away. My sincerest condolences to her family and friends. She was always very nice to me, a charming person. May her reward be magnificent.