Bad Relationships

How could some intelligent women get into bad relationships and stay in it year in year out, wallowing in misery, letting their lights dim, their juices dry up, their psyche cowed? They allow themselves to be suppressed, bullied, pushed down, held down. They become a shadow of themselves, they become ghosts and yet they stay.

You could talk to them, you could appeal to them, you could share your own horror stories. They would tell you, "Yes yes I know." But they wouldn't leave. Maybe they didn't know how to leave, maybe they're scared to leave (not necessarily because the guy might beat them up). Maybe they prefer the known evil to the unknown. Maybe because they dislike confrontations and just can't find enough within themselves to stand up and speak up for themselves.

Couple of days ago I sat down to catch up with an old girlfriend. The last time we had a heart-to-heart was a year ago when she had finally escaped a terrible relationship after 14 years of misery and as many years' worth of friends and family telling her to leave, to kick him out, to get a life. She did, she started having a life at the age of 37, travelled places, dated again, seemed to be blossoming.

So I caught up with her to find out about her latest beau. Horror of horrors. Another bad relationship. Another financial sponge with an attitude.

How could a seemingly intelligent woman attract the same type of leach again and again? Because said woman has an unconscious desire to be the sole provider? Because said woman has an unconscious desire to punish herself for her ability to make more money than the average man on the street? Guilt and self-matyrdom?

No, I don't buy that. I refuse to accept that.

I myself wasted seven year of my life in a bad relationship but I came out of that stronger. For one thing I learned the skills of confrontation. Being an Asian, brought up with Asian family values, I learned through my desire to get out of this bad investment, to shrug off the sweet, goody-goody, I-must-please-everybody paradigm and wade into confrontations when needed. Uh...read that as: I learned to be quarrelsome!

No, I was only quarrelsome for the greater good, or when needed. And the point is: after one bad relationship, I made sure I attracted only good men into my life. Or you could say: I made sure that the next man in my life cannot argue as fast as I! Uh, that's not quite fair but you're entitled to your opinion.

Anyway, to get back to my friend. When I remonstrated with her, "I wasted 7 years. You wasted 14 on one a-h...please don't waste anymore of your life on a second a-h," her answer: "Yes, yes I know. But if I kick him out, he'd be very pitiful."

No, don't go down that same path. Pity? But when are you going to start pitying yourself?

My philosopher brother Harry once said that there are some people, especially women, whose all-powerful need in life is to be needed. They are happiest when they are in a position of being needed. They'd do anything to increase, lengthen, expand that position.

To my girlfriend, I'd add: "If that describes you, by all means, do so but not at the expense of staying in a bad relationship."

Links: Broken Relationships